Summertime And The Living Ain't Easy

I dread the kids' summer vacations from school. Hubby and I both work full time, the kids are too old for daycare programs and we can't afford the area's summer programs. My son (we'll call him Junior) is at a sitter for the half day he isn't in Pre-K. The lady who watches him is nice enough and she's offered to watch our daughter (we'll call her Juniorette) as well for the summer. We can just afford to do this and it gives me piece of mind. I do, however, worry about leaving both of them with a non-family member for so long of a time. These fears have nothing to do with the sitter and everything to do with the crazy shit that happens to kids under the care of others from time to time. My top worries are:

1. Pool Safety: Thankfully, the sitter doesn't have a pool, but if she did, you'd better believe my kids would be prepared for the worst. I shit you not, when I tell you they'd be wearing foam-filled suits under their regular clothes. An ATF agent in kevlar wouldn't be safer than my kids.

2. Pit Bulls: And no other dogs. These things are ticking time bombs. I saw one grab my cousin's standard poodle by the neck, seconds after wagging its tail and sniffing Fifi's ass. The violence isn't my only worry. When I was a kid, the Doyle's pitbull took a shit on our lawn that was so foul, the grass died that day. Oooh my daddy was pissed. When the Doyle's deaf cat took up residence in our garage, he cornered it with a broom, grabbed it by the neck and hurled it into the side yard. We didn't have any more problems with the Doyle's after that.

3. Bridge Collapses: We don't have any bridges in Corfu, but you can bet that if the sitter was taking the tots to the Super Cream for some soft serve, they'd be taking a detour by the river, railroad tracks or whatever the hell else passes for "underbridge" environments these days. I'd have a contract with the sitter. It'd be in writing.

4. Refrigerator Peril: I'm not talking about the old fashioned kids' deaths with old fridges in lots either. Junior can climb and he's still small enough to stand in the bottom of our Hotpoint. Don't get me started about my mother-in-law's coffin freezer.

5. Pop Rocks and Soda: Do you know they still sell these at convenience stores only feet away from each other? Not only are they bad for dental hygiene, but they also blew up the stomach of one of those child actors in a cereal commercial. Other lethal combos you can find at Wilson Farms are Lotto Tickets/Assisted Income People and GoGurt/GoGurt.

There She Blows, But Does She Suck?

What the "F" Governor Spitzer? You were supposed to clean this state up! I thought you'd done a good job so far, but you really screwed the pooch this week. Last month actually, and by her photos on the "Today" Show, she isn't a dog.

I say it's okay to look, but not touch. Hubby Eric once went to a "Scores" in Wisconsin for a bachelor party. The rest of the guys bought him a lap dance. He came home the next day with a ball cap, a t-shirt with a weird brownish red stain on the shoulder and a look of guilt on his mug. Turns out the dancer nibbled on his ear which awakened his trouser snake. Unforunately, she considered this a violation of the "no touch" rule and sicked the security on him. Eric and his boys (pun intended) were tossed out on their ears and we haven't spoken of the incident since.

But boy, do I have it over him. Any time Eric gets out of line, all I have to do is mention that weekend...